Esquire - Go On Gail, Just One More Time

The first time I am introduced to Gail Porter is at a party honouring the work of Russ Meyer, the American breast fetishist and cult film maker. From the bar we overlook the stage, where scantily clad go-go girls gyrate to a kitsch Sixties soundtrack.

Gail is wearing a little black dress, which the following day will be shown in the papers to have a certain translucence when exposed to the glare of flashbulbs. But in the flesh, so to speak, it looks demure enough. Except that I can't help but notice that Gail Porter's body is simply anatomically incorrect. Like Lara Croft, she has an impossibly small frame and impossibly large breasts.

I feel I can talk about Gail Porter's breasts with equanimity because by the time I meet her, I have seen them. They have been in a magazine and her buffed behind has famously been projected by the same magazine as a pub- licity stunt on to the Houses of Parliament. I have also read the tabloid outcry which followed this: about how shocking it is that a former children's TV presenter should gamely display her assets. And because of all this, I have to confess that I am fully expecting Gail Porter to prove to be some sort of media floozy, without too much up top, and not much to offer apart from what she has, well, up top.

Immediately we arc introduced she starts to give me a lesson in the dangers of judging a book by its cover. I open my account by pointing out that Hugh Hefner, the creator of Playboy himself, has turned up to Russ Meyer's bash and is sitting cordoned off by security with a bevy of blondes. Apparently, I say, there is a Playboy Club Bunny School where the girls arc taught how to execute their fluffy tailed duties by a Bunny Mummy.

"It sounds like B&Q - where I used to work," says Gail. "They taught us how to be pleasant. I wore a badge saying, 'Gail. Happy to help."'. Then a man appears in a big minder's suit and says in an American accent, "OK, Gail, we'll get you to see Hef- we know how hot you are at the moment." Gail turns to the girl next to her and mimics, "We know how hot you are at the moment!" and the two of them fall about giggling.

The laughing partner is Charlotte, Gail's producer and co-writer. As the evening progresses and they gently take the piss and shoot the breeze, I realise that not many people know what Gail Porter is really like: how bright, ironic and wickedly funny the woman is.

And why should they? Most see only that here is a TV presenter who has posed nude, and that because of this she has (say the tabloids) lost work -notably Zoe Ball's vacant slot on Live and Kicking (but more of that later). What people do not know is that Gail Porter is 28, not the 18 she looks. That she is a second- dan black belt at karate. That she dropped out of her degree course to get a job. That celebrity has not come overnight - post B&Q there's been a seven-year slog up the TV ladder. And that she finds Noel Edmonds hilarious.

"The first time I met him I could not stop giggling," she says. Which was a problem, as he runs the company that manages her. "Hahahaha. HAHAHAHA. He kept saying: 'Why are you giggling?' I couldn't take it seriously. I grew up with Noel Edmonds - I told him I tried to swap a Wombles single for a Showaddywaddy single on Multi-Coloured Swap Shop and he was having none of it... so I've always held this little grudge." This is typical of the woman. She meets her boss. She laughs at him. She just can't help it, because she's like the punters.

"I love Steve Coogan - the man's a genius. It's really embarrassing - I went to a party recently [the launch of Notting Hill] and he was there. I'm not at all showbizzy - I feel I don't belong - go home! And Charlotte shouts: 'OI! STEVE! That's my mate Gail. She's far too embarrassed to speak to you.' I felt like I was about 10, you know: 'My mate fancies you.' I didn't say a word, just kept staring. Eventually I went up to him and went: 'I'm... your... fan.' Charlotte just went: 'You are useless."'

Charlotte Wheeler is clearly Gail's confidant as well as being a colleague. So while Gail is being photographed with Hugh Hefner - her face a study in deadpan - I ask Charlotte what Gail is interested in.

"Boys." Really? "Yeah, we talk about boys a lot. She can't get a boyfriend and she'd really like one?' I can't believe that. "It's true. Gail likes grungy types... See that guy over there?" And she points to a gangly kid who looks like the template for a guitar-playing art student. I nod. "Well, she'll go for guys like that. And then after a while she gets bored with them." Because they're not interesting enough? "Yeah -they don't challenge her?'

So here's a turn up. The blonde Lara Croft- alike dumps boys because they're bimbos. A week after the party we meet up for a drink - that's Gail, Charlotte and me. I arrive early at a glitzy bar and soon get to feel the power of celebrity. The waitress has been less than inter- ested in my wellbeing, but when Miss Porter arrives, it's all attentiveness and smiles. Does she get recognised a lot, I wonder?

"In London people look twice at you and say, 'Is that that Scottish bird off the telly?' But in Scotland it's different - I went out to see my mum on Friday night in Edinburgh and you're surrounded - my mum was saying,'That's my little girl.' So what does mun think of the naked photos? "I wondered when we were going to get round to that," she smiles. "She was there at the shoot, actually - she kept saying 'Are you not cold?' She's fine about it. She knows I'm an exhibitionist. Honestly, it amazes me - watching the British public when someone takes their clothes off... There's cancer, there's wars, and I show my bottom and there's a national outcry!

"I used to love looking at old movie books at my Granny's and there were some gorgeous naked pictures of womcn. And plenty of people have posed for Playboy - in fact I've seen old pictures of Raquel Welch and Angie Dickinson without their clothes on in your magazine, and I'm sure there wasn't a fuss about those.I think it's because I look so young. I was caught up in this Lolita thing: 'Children's TV presenter has bottom shock!' But it's a red rag to a bull to me; if people say, 'No, that's terrible,' I want to go out and upset more people."

So you'd pose nude again? "No, I've been there, done that. A year ago I'd never posed for pictures, and to be honest I was flattered to be asked. And I've only done four or five shoots and look at the result. It's incredible. I don't know what all the fuss is about. But now it's time to move on."

Did the magazine ask you when it decided to project your image on to the Houses of Parliament ? "No." So is it true what the papers said about you losing work afterwards? "On the contrary - I've never bcen offered so much?' Now Charlotte chips in: "A lot of 'interested parties' are trying to sign her up."

"You know they [the tabloids] write some rubbish. I've heard so manu rumours - I'm surprised I wasn't up the the England manager's job. I never went for Live and Kicking and I'm supposed to havc been turned down for this sitcom, where the truth is they sent me the script and I wasn't interested. I mean, I'll show my arse but there's some stuff I just wont do."

Indeed, Gai1 and Charlotte are writing a sitcom together. As well as this, Gail is hosting Top of The Pops, Channel 5's Movie Chart Show and shows on LWT and VH1. Shd's also presenting a Friday, Saturday and Sunday night slot on Virgin radio. In fact, among those "interested parties", Chris Evans Ginger Productions seems to be the most keen on the Charlotte and Gail Combo. Soon, as they start to bounce ideas for the show around, it is apparent why. "How about 'Poof on the roof'?" (you have to say this with a Scottish accent for the full effect) says Gail. "You know - we inter- view someone gay on the roof every week and..." They both roll around in stitches.

Then Gail mentions her next-door neighbour, an old bloke she thinks is lovely who tells her stories about the "Thirties and Forties. I lamely suggest that she could interview old blokes - they have after all, all got a story to tell.

"Yes," she says. "But we'd have to have this one guy who'd come on every week and who couldn't remember he'd already been on the week before and he'd tell the same..." Again the giggles. It's pure TFl Friday.

As we leave, I gently remind Gail that Esquire also photographed her naked before the Houses of Parliament "event", and that we have yet to run the pictures. "Which ones will you use - will you use any with clothes on?" Sure "Hooray," say both Gail and Charlotte.

In the days that follow, I am troubled by the fact that our pictures of Gail naked may cause another tabloid frenzy and do nothing to challenge people's perceptions of her. I call her. Her answering machine message is in Scottish mockney . "Hello, it's Gail 'ere. Leave a message because obviously I am far too busy to take this call. Either that or I'm unconscious. Thank you. Goodbye?'

When she calls back, I explain that I see her as being a bit like our other featured celebrity this month, Graham Norton. She takes this as the compliment it is intended to he. I say that like him, she has a reputation for end of the pier cheekiness he has his lewd Web surfing, and she her naughty photos. But unlike Norton, few people get to see that she is ironic and detached from her sauciness - it only reflects one side of her personality. Until she gets the exposure (no pun intended) Norton enjoys, and people can sec how good a broadcaster she is, she runs the risk of still being regarded as the Scottish bird who got her kit off on the Houses of Parliament. And I would not like to feel that Esquire had contributed to that pigeonholing. "Och, you worry too much," she says.

So you don't mind if we use the pictures - not on the cover, but inside the magazine? "No - go on. It'll be the last time? So we did.